There are moments in life that define all your other moments in life. Today, I am sitting in a hospital room with my brother, Chuck. There is no real noise, only the rain and the slow rhythm of his breathing. I sit and watch his every move, just trying to burn an image of his sweet face into my mind's eye. The cancer raging within him has made him a shell of his former self, but this is not what my heart sees.
I see a precious boy with curls in his hair who won't let anyone open the door for him to come inside the house. "I want mama to do it!" he screams as he defiantly backs up from the door. I see the little boy who climbed in my bed during a thunder storm and snuggled tight under the covers. I see chairs stacked up and blankets flying as we struggled to complete a giant tent with doors and rooms that covered the den floor. My brother, sister and I would sit in the main room of the tent, which was right in front of the TV, so that we could watch cartoons or MTV.
When I look at my brother, I remember him as my roommate in college; teaching him how to cook pork chops and sweet potatoes so he could have dinner when I had to go to class. I remember helping him do his laundry and showing him how to work the coin operated machines.
We have always been there for each other; through childhood, college, marriage, and having our children later in our lives than our friends. I see his face in my mind and I envision the tremendous love he displays for his wife, and how much he loves the thought of growing old with her and having her for his best friend. I see the true joy that he gets in just being a daddy to his beautiful son.
All those days are now past, and we are coming to the final journey in our lives together on his earth. And while I know I will see him again - ultimately healed by Christ - my heart aches for that sweet curly headed boy messing up the house after I'd cleaned it; laughing at silly jokes and playing air guitar to rock music. My heart aches that what was once the three of us as siblings will now be two, with one always missing. This is my baby brothers, after all, and there is something inherently wrong about losing him so young; something wrong about being a part of all the wonderful things he will miss that he should not have had to miss. However, in these last few, sweet, quiet moments of his life, I am so blessed and grateful to have known him; so fortunately to have had him grace my life.
Yes, there are moments in life that define all your other moments in life...This is one of those moments.
I love you Chuck...always
