There's always some event or issue that causes us to reflect on the tangled web that is our life. It could be a family illness or tragedy, a celebration, a holiday or something simple like watching your child sleep soundly in his bed. Mine came last night as I was listening to my son laughing as he was playing in his room, I thought about how fortunate I am to have him in my life. I realized that whatever fills my head each day can all be solved by hearing that laugh.
I started planning on things we can do together as a family, and inevitably, I realize how full my calendar is each week: working full time as a commercial property manager, trying to educate myself in my field by taking classes and joining organizations, actively involved in church - singing in 2 ensembles and the adult choir, and teaching a children's praise team.
It seemed there's never enough time to do what I want to do. Then I thought about the difference between what I want to do and what I need to do and how I should balance that in my life. I can't think of any greater purpose in my life than being a mother. I am so in love with my son - probably no more than any other mother loves their children. However, I think I definitely appreciate my son more now than I would have at an earlier age. It seems I waited so long to have him, I can't imagine devoting my life to anything else. This concept is a little foreign to those of my friends who have had their children a while and are comfortable with parenthood. I have turned down engagements when it meant I would be spending time away from my son.
I recently went on a day trip and did not take him with me. Although I enjoyed my time, I missed him terribly. I thought about his reaction when he sees me after work each day - laughing that laugh and shouting "Mommy!" and running as fast as he can into my arms. It's the greatest thing, and I couldn't wait to have that again.
I'm scheduled to go on an overnight trip this weekend, and I won't be able to take my son with me. I know I will benefit from the time I'll spend with my friends as we study God's word, but I still have that longing to be home with Caden playing in the backyard and watching him fall down in laughter after a ride down the slide. I'm sure what I feel is no different than what other working moms feel: that we don't get to spend as much time as we'd like with our children. I'm keenly aware of that fact, and because I'm an older mom, I know how precious that time is. I don't want to miss a minute of it.
However....God forces me to stop and think about all of this. When we pause and take a breath, we realize that God really is in control. He knows that path chosen for our lives. It's a delicate balance between self and work and family, and sometimes the guilt of not being able to do it all is a little overwhelming. I know that there are moments when I need to be apart from my kids - if for no other reason that to grow in myself. God will see to it that my son knows he is loved by the actions that I am led to take during his growing up years.
Yes, there is wonder and uncertainty, but then....Caden laughs!
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